featheradrift | Inbox (The City)

[ With a heavy sigh, he closes his eyes. It was finally time to reveal what he'd done. He hadn't tried to hide it, but... even he was not immune to the fear of rejection. No, he was especially not immune to that.

If Altria walked away after this, he wouldn't blame her. That's what it means to shoulder these sins. ]

Centuries [ This might be the time Altria realizes exactly how old the Wanderer is ] after it all happened, I planned revenge against them. For the betrayal I thought I suffered, I destroyed their clans through methodical planning over the years. Every one of the five smithing clans of Inazuma—I attempted to ruin them all.

[ How many lives were lost in the process, he wonders. He never tried to keep track of that. ]

I got them killed in various incidents. I tarnished their reputations. I sabotaged blueprints, and sent them fleeing out of the country. Three of them I successfully ruined. One is all but ruined now, and the last one is the only practicing clan.

[ The fall of the Raiden Gokaden, orchestrated by one bitter, mislead puppet. He leans back, a sorrowful smile on his face. ]

Get it now? I'm no innocent puppet. I chose to destroy lives in an act of revenge. I've killed many more for other reasons. I'm dangerous. You...

[ ...shouldn't have gotten close to me. But he doesn't voice it, looking away instead. ]

[Centuries. So he truly has been through so much more than she could probably imagine. It isn't a foreign concept to her, not with how long-lived some faeries can be. But even so...

Centuries is a long time. A very, very long time to dwell on the things he has done.

(She remembers him talking about how he wouldn't mind it all ending, and bites her lip.)

He'd been hurt. Betrayed. In pain. And in response, he took that pain out on the ones he thought were the villains, strung up like a puppet on strings. In the process, he had hurt so many people, and had hurt himself, too. In the process, he had committed grievous sins, and now thought he no longer had the right to take with him the tools he had been taught to use when he was allowed to be happy.

Her heart aches. The weight of the pilgrimage she has to undergo back home makes her shoulder droop. What, she thinks, does it mean to save someone from their sins?

(Yuu doesn't need saving. He has already been put on that path, she thinks. So then...)]

You chose to... [Past tense. Everything is past tense.] ... Is that... still what you want to do? [Does he still want to ruin them? She's positive he doesn't, but she wants to hear it from him.

(She won't even deign the implication that he's too dangerous to be around for her with a moment's thought. Leave him behind? Never.)]

[ That she doesn't turn away immediately is already a surprise, but he's glad she stays to ask. She's still making an effort to know him, despite his confession. She gives him too much kindness, he thinks. ]

I tried to fix what I did, once I learned it was just a deception by another person. I learned that you could change the past by erasing people from history.

So that's what I did. To myself.

[ It had been so simple to choose to remove himself from the world. He had the power. He'd been standing in front of Irminsul. It had been so, so easy. ]

It didn't change anything. They still died. Only the cause changed. Even if no one remembers, I'm still at fault.

[ And now, it was his mission. To atone for these sins. ]

I... have nothing but these sins now.

[ He doesn't quite answer Altria's question, but it should be apparent how he feels about it. ]

[... So he did. He was given the option, and he did it. That's...

(This tightness in her chest... sympathy, she thinks, and sadness. And gratitude, that he's still here to speak to her right now.)

... It is apparent how he feels, and it's all she needs to know. She can stay right here with him, and there is no reason for her to leave him behind. He says he's dangerous, but he's repenting right now, every single day.

He's trying his best to become a person he can be proud of, right? And a person who the people he hurt can forgive.]

... Everyone sins, Yuu. [Some greater, some lesser. The sins he is describing are massive, of course. They are on a scale not so far off from Faerie Britain's faeries. But even so--]

I think... what matters is what you do next. You're here repenting and trying and serving that sentence with all of those burdens on your shoulders, and, and...!

I think that means that someday, you'll find a way to be forgiven.

[Not only by those who are long gone who he hurt (because they cannot say anything anymore), but... by himself.]

[ Of course he knows everyone sins. But to the extent he has? He's certain very, very few can match him. And yet, still, she has not run away. She is not afraid, and she believes he can be forgiven, no matter how far into the future that might be.

Can he really be forgiven? It's... not what he's seeking, really. It's not truly possible to right his wrongs. To reestablish the Gokaden, to give them back their glory, to compensate for all the lives lost in his scheming. Nothing can measure to that. If he were one of the clan members of the Gokaden, he would curse himself to an eternity of suffering. He would have to atone for as long as he lived.

That was his plan, anyway. ]

I don't want forgiveness. Something like that is meaningless to the dead and the survivors. It doesn't change what was taken from them.

[ He would only accept it if it brought the survivors some peace of mind. But as for himself? He doesn't plan on forgiving himself, ever. ]

Either way, it doesn't change the fact that I can't accept these. [ He withdraws his hands from the tools and closes the box. ] Take them back.

[She's not surprised he doesn't want forgiveness. Honestly, she might've thought a little less of him if that was why he was atoning. It is not for the sinners to decide when they've been forgiven, after all.

But.

She turns to look at him properly, expression firm, eyes bright. This is the conclusion she's reached after facing the role she's been given. This is the only thing that makes sense to her, the only way she can find any sort of comprehension of her fate. To save the faeries from their sins, there must be a way for them to begin to atone, until one day they are forgiven. For Yuu to be able to someday move past his sins, he must also one day be able to be forgiven--even if only in his heart.]

... That's the thing. It's not up to you.

[She says it simply, but calmly. There's warmth and fondness and affection in her voice, and also a sort of matter-of-factness that comes of being absolutely, completely convinced of what she's saying.]

It isn't for the sinner to decide if he deserves to be forgiven or not. It is the right of those who were wronged. You can't take that from them.

[And so... one day, she thinks he'll have that forgiveness. One day, she believes in it.]

So... hold onto it, okay? It's okay if you can't use it yet. It's okay if you don't think you deserve to have it. Just... keep it. Until that day comes.

[Until he can hold those tools without feeling like it's another betrayal.]

[ It's with surprise that he looks at her. He hasn't heard her speak with so much conviction before. There's something burning in her gaze, and firm in her voice. She speaks with a wisdom beyond her years of appearance. It is not the same wisdom as Nahida, who would simply accept his words but work silently in the background towards the conclusion she wanted him to reach.

She thought him as someone redeemable too, didn't she? Otherwise she wouldn't put in so much effort trying to enrich his life, and get him to connect with others.

...was it really alright to take the tools? Would he be allowed to take up the smithing arts again? If he were a survivor of the clan—would he appreciate the person who destroyed his clan trying to restore them back to their former glory? What if he found a way to bring back the five arts to Inazuma? But he's not familiar with the lost three as much as he is with the Isshin Art—Niwa's art. It doesn't mean there weren't documents left behind with that knowledge though, and he knows enough that combined with that information, he could try.

It couldn't be for leisure or for pleasure if he decides to take up the hammer again. If he was going to—he has to think about it. This isn't a decision he can make lightly. ]

...alright.

[Her expression softens into a smile at that--lacking in the usual exuberance, a little more thoughtful than normal, but nonetheless sincere and warm and relieved.

It's not about it being a present anymore. Now it's about him, and his past, and the way he's been torturing himself on this path to atonement. The fact that he's willing to take the tools with him feels like a huge step forward to her--and she's relieved he's willing to do so.]

... I'm glad. I'm really, really glad.

[...]

If you ever use them again... I hope you'll let me see what you make someday.

[She can't imagine anything she'd treasure more than getting to see what his hands could forge.]

[ She is far, far too kind. He's thought this so many times—how lucky he is, to have met her first out of all people in this city. How perceptive and understanding she is—yet silly and clumsy, and innocent at the same time. Every trait of hers has been endearing in his eyes. But he knows he still doesn't know everything about her.

Still, she's accepted one of the worst parts of him. There's no doubt, if they continue to stay here, she may come to face the Balladeer—him at his most vicious. He hopes that faith in him will continue to hold out then. ]

I will. You'll be the first to see.

[ There's no forge in the city, he's certain, but he remembers seeing a lot of firebrick in Kaveh's studio the other day, in piles, unused... maybe it was time for him to inquire about those. ]

[The way he agrees settles and soothes her. She was afraid he might try to push her away again, but he doesn't; he opens that avenue to her, and she can't help but think again that he's always surprising her. The way that he's walking down this path of atonement with his chin up is a sort of inner strength she admires.

The least she can do, she thinks, is make sure that he's not lonely while he walks it.

So she breathes out a quick, relieved breath, and then grins at him.]

Yay! I'm really glad to hear that.

[Still... it lingers with her, niggles at her. The way that he'd looked at her when he said he was dangerous. The way he clearly intended to tell her to stay away. How can she let him know that she's not going anywhere? What's the best, more certain way?

After a moment, she decides--and since they are seated side-by-side on the bench, she just leans until she's leaning against him, shoulder to shoulder.]

Thanks, Yuu. [For... everything, really. For telling her. For accepting the gift. For sharing a piece of himself with her. For trusting her not to run.]

[ Again, she surprises him—he stiffens at the contact, turning his head towards her—but not all the way. She's too close to him. He's not certain he wants to see her bright eyes so close to his face. Not certain he can handle the sudden nerves he feels from her proximity. He turns his head away instead, but her being so close means it's impossible for him to mask the way his ears turn red, even in the darkness of the night, and if she looks closer—his cheeks are definitely flushed. ]

You don't need to thank me for that.

[ It comes out as a half-hearted grumble. ]

[For now, her eyes are closed as she remains there, leaning against him still, so she misses the redness of his ears and cheeks--at least for now. She's just determined to make sure that he knows that she's not afraid of him.

She's not going anywhere.

And she's happy right here.]

Maybe not... but I wanted to! Because I'm happy like this.

[Being with him. Looking forward to his future. Hoping to see one of his future projects someday. That all makes him happy.]

[ He's not actually sure what to do with Altria in such close proximity. It's not a lie to say that it's been centuries since anyone has gotten this close to him, barring those who had ill intentions. He forces himself to relax his body somewhat, but there's still a slight undercurrent of tension in his shoulders, and he doesn't lean back against her. He just... lets her be, because he doesn't dislike her presence either.

The flush on his cheeks and ears remains prominent while she leans against him. ]

You're too... [ Kind. Trusting. Generous. Lovely. There are so many words he could pick here. But it's not actually what he wants to say.

... ]

Thanks.

[ It's almost too quiet to hear, a small little whisper into the crisp winter air. ]

[Honestly, just letting her be is perfect. It's all she could've ever asked for. It's cold out here, but it's not so bad when she's leaning against him like this, and that word, soft and gentle and almost fragile as it is... fills her heart with an emotion she struggles to put words to.

Ah... so this is what this holiday is about, she thinks.

She doesn't say anything in response, knowing that pointing it out or acknowledging it is likely to embarrass him, and instead lets the quiet of the evening drag on.

Until finally, she changes the subject to say:]

I didn't know where to drop off your gift, by the way! I'm glad that I gave it to you face-to-face, but where should I leave things for you?

[You know. In the future. Where will he even find them?]

[ The warm, comfortable silence is something to be treasured. This is a moment he will remember for a very long time, he thinks.

Eventually, it's broken, but he doesn't mind too much. Altria's presence alone is enough for things to be comfortable. ]

You can leave it at that restaurant.

[ The one in the fourth district he always takes her to when he cooks something for her. ]

Got it!

[She knows exactly which one he's referring to, which makes it easy. Good. Now she knows where to leave things for him, like a feral kitten leaving dead mice on the doorstep--]

Heheh... tell me if the dessert is bad too when you eat it, okay? You have to be honest!

[ He has a feeling he's going to be finding a lot of random packages for him in the future...

He picks up the other package he set aside. Dessert, hm? He's already disappointed her once with his reaction to the tools. Now wouldn't be the best time to tell her that he hates sweets too. ]

At least it hasn't run off on us yet.

[ Just a gentle tease. He's certain it's better than the cookie attempt. ]

[Her cheeks go a little pink at the reminder, but she mostly looks determined.]

Definitely not! I didn't use any magic at all! Just the things you taught me before! I didn't even try to add extra ingredients!

[ So she finally listened to him. After the biscuit golem fiasco, she must have learned not to ignore the recipe instructions. ]

Then I have high expectations.

[ If she felt it was good enough to gift, then it shouldn't be terrible. He has at least that much faith in her. ]

[She looks anxious, but in a happy sort of way. After all, she gave it her best shot--

And it's pretty good, honestly! The caramel is a little too bitter because it's a liiiiittle burned, but everything comes together okay. It's a perfectly acceptable dessert.]

Ahahaha...ha... maybe keep your expectations at a reasonable level...

I don't think I will.

[ He grins teasingly, a promise that he'll poke fun at her if it truly is awful. He wouldn't though, he'd offer more tips or watch over her as she makes it again.

And... he gently nudges her playfully. It's a subtle nudge, but it's there. ]

[He nudges against her and she can't help the way that she laughs a little, nudging back.]

Well... I guess you wouldn't be you if you didn't.

I'm glad I can always trust you to tell me what you really think.

[Even if sometimes he teases her extra--she can still tell the difference, and it's important to her.]

[ He's had enough of being a two-faced schemer. And even if he's mostly incapable of being honest about his positive feelings, he can at least be honest when he's criticizing people. That counts for something, right? ]

How else are you going to improve if I don't tell you what needs fixing?

[ Because if she's serious about learning how to cook, then he's more than happy to direct her efforts. ]

[It counts for a lot, as far as she's concerned. It's something she treasures. He's honest about his criticisms, but he's not cruel.

It's an honesty she can trust in and rely on, no matter what.]

Right! And since you've been doing so much to help teach me, I want to keep improving! Besides... you and Tsuruno are both always doing so much to feed me. I want to be able to give back too.

You don't need to give me back anything. [ She knows he doesn't need to eat, he's going to say, but he stops. She doesn't need to eat either. And she's probably going to insist either way. ]

...I wouldn't mind taste testing to give you feedback.

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